8/27/04
Hi Robin,
Sorry I haven't been able to come over and take advantage of the pool
this summer. Hope I can before the season ends. And I hope one of these
three email addresses reaches you. You might want to tell me which one
is best to send you messages at this time.
Now that I have it available in convenient form, I've decided to send
you a copy of an essay I wrote that reveals the roller coaster ride my
life has been since the spring. Since we haven't been in touch too much
over the past year or two, it's a little more dramatic revealing this
all to you than a few of my other friends because it involves aspects
of my life I haven't told you about. (It is also lengthy, so feel free
to read just some of it and come back for more later as time permits.)
Any prayer support you may feel motivated to give me, my lady friend,
and Nadia in our search to find our friend would be greatly
acknowledged and appreciated. I suppose that's the number one reason
I'm sending this to you. (Fortunately, Nadia has been quite helpful.
She's an ex-porn star and model with a good heart.)
Thanks for any time you spend reading my story.
Peace,
Jeff
WOW! This is where you have been!!! WOW! THat's all I can say!!!
What a story!!! Have you sold this to a magazine or better yet, a movie
right!??! I could picture this as an independent film!!! Starring Liv
Tyler!!! It's so strange....but the bottom line is...."The truth is
STRANGER
than fiction"...
and I thought I had a "past life story".....this beats mine "hands
down".
I hope and pray that you will find your soulmate (or that she comes
back to
you) I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Please drop by when ever you have the chance.
Love
Robin
----- Original Message -----
From: "Jeffrey Gill" <jeff@folkimage.com>
To: "Robin Monaco" <monacographics@comcast.net>
Sent: Saturday, August 28, 2004 11:49 PM
Subject: My current life challange
8/31/04
Yes, I know. I have thought of that aspect, particularly when I wrote
about our private dance that included the conversation about the sex
club. And yes, a Brazilian version of Liv Tyler - one very comfortable
in a stripper's role - would be exactly what you would want. It would
be an independent film that would probably push the limits of the R
rating... but be absolutely riveting.
I pray she comes to her senses soon and somehow realizes that the
devastating, spur-of-the-moment decision she made on July 3rd was the
absolute worse, most poorly timed, most horribly misinformed decision
she's made in her entire life. I don't know how she's lived with
herself over the past two months... this frightened illegal alien, like
a rat in a cage, trying to hide from everybody.
Fortunately, I did make a little headway yesterday in my efforts to
find her. I finally found a way to get the information from the
Registry I need on the tag number of the car I discovered in Brighton
back on July 9th. I am 80% sure it was the car Bianca drives. It had an
old green lettered plate, so if I am correct, the car is registered to
the mother of her ex-boyfriend (who is her current landlady - also a
Brazilian - whom she describes as her "American mom"), or the
registration was transferred over to her. I'm using my position in
delivery at Roux's as the reason "for obtaining information
verification on a prospective delivery driver." If that registration
number is tied to an address in Framingham or Westboro, I've still got
a hot lead.
Nadia seems to be frustrated in her efforts to reach Bianca. (She now
has her own copy of this entire story, too.) Last Saturday night,
it appeared she had been trying to direct the attention of some of the
newer girls my way. I'm not complaining. Hey, it's a strip club and
most of them are incredibly HOT (damn!!!). But I am also determined not
to let this one go. The incredible degree of anguish and heartache I've
suffered over the past two months is a reflection of just how deeply I
do love Bianca.
Also, I had a really heated phone conversation with my "spiritual
adviser" last week. She did clarify a few things and I may have judged
her prematurely through circumstantial evidence. (It's a funny thought
- perhaps I was dumping on her everything Bianca had dumped on me.
Happens a lot in counseling, I hear.) I know this sounds rather
incredible, but my adviser does have the ability to work on my mind and
emotions telepathically. I KNOW when she's working on me. That's why I
got back in touch with her. Whether she is able to telepathically
reason with Bianca's "higher self" strongly enough to reverse the
decision of July 3rd remains to be seen, even if my counselor's
assessment of Bianca's current state of mind and her predictions turn
out to be true. It's one thing for a person to have thoughts put in
their head that make them realize a decision they made was wrong. It's
another thing to motivate them so strongly that they overcome the ego
resistance and actually take the steps required to reverse it. That's
why I think it is imperative that I FINALLY find Bianca, take her hand,
and plead my case to her, face to face.
Thanks for taking the time to read it all, and your prayers and
concerns.
-Jeff
8/31/04
Please becareful with the spiritual advisor. I don't want you to be
"throwing" away anymore monies. Psychics and spiritual advisors can be
very crafty at times.
Don't get me wrong, some are authentic, while others prey on the
vulnerabilities of the human soul. Just be aware.
Love
Robin
9/1/04
Another thing I am having to watch with the psychics.... the mere fact
that I am a MAN and most of them are women. I found an on-line group
that turned out to be a bunch of women out of Tewksbury (I didn't know
they were local... and in the shadow of The Blue Moon no less... ha ha.
Tu shay to them!). Robin, you don't know how hard it is to be male - in
this culture, in the 21st century, and to have any sense that you have
some say and influence (and yes, power) in the personal, most important
matters of your life. What to know why most men, who are weaker on the
inside than I am, occupy themselves with such stupid, destructive
pursuits? It's the only place where they can feel they have some
control and influence.
Oh yes, we men don't have any feelings, don't you know? Except violence
and hatred, and all we're looking for is an excuse to stalk. Sure!
God, it's a zoo out there!
-Jeff
P.S. I think I'll give one more of these $10 or $20 cheapies a try, but
it will certainly be a male this time.
9/1/04
I know...it's got to be hard. PERIOD. To be single and out there. I
know I did it for a long time. I was divorced 13 years before I got
married again! Lord knows I don't want to be out there, again. If
anything happened to Joel...I would just be "alone"....I understand how
you feel, believe me I do!!!! I just don't want you to be wasting
any more money when you could be putting it away.
have you tried any of the dating services online?
9/1/04
Well, believe it or not, I can put a positive spin on your observation.
If it is as hard as it has been for me, and was for you, it also has to
be hard for Bianca.
When she first arrived here she got into a relationship with a
Brazilian guy because it was her first chance to have a boyfriend in
America. That relationship lasted two years and when it broke up, her
ex-boyfriend moved to Brazil for six months to get over it. (I doubt
there was much, if any, communication between them during that time.)
But since his return, they have become good friends again, and he has
moved on to another girlfriend. She is still close to his mother.
She has been without a relationship for three years, but that may seem
like a long time for her because she is still young. She has told me
that she would like to be married someday, and from her conversations
she does not at all appear to be the kind of woman who throws good
people and old friends out of her life permanently.
Hey, in six months to a year, she may have an experience that
reinforces just how hard it is out there. And she'll think back at me
and say, "Yes, he came on way too strong that night. But you know, he
really CARED about me. He entertained me and made me laugh; he taught
me new English words, and he loved my attention and company." (...Not
bad for a strip club dude.) Maybe as soon as December, when she
realizes she IS going to miss her brother's graduation, and she has no
way to leave America and come back, she may begin facing the reality
check.
[more]
monacographics wrote:
> have you tried any of the dating services online?
The only thing I've given a passing thought to is a mail order bride
tour of South America, preferably among girls who have spent some
time in America and are looking for a way back (instead of a sugar
daddy). But let's face it, if I went on such a tour, I would be looking
for another Bianca... and all the elements - the warmth, beauty,
conversational ability, and sensuality - would all have to be there.
It's a pretty tall order to fill.
P.S. According to my current schedule, I can come over Labor Day
between around 2 to about 4 or 4:30. If you will be around, let me know.
-Jeff
9/2/04
She is obviously young, but street savy, and that still takes some
"smarts"....so it may be awhile before she catches on that she "threw a
blessing away". You were probably her only "light in the darkness," so
to speak. She needs to contemplate what she has done and what she needs
to do about it. But, that could take some time.....being young makes
you think that you are impervious to a lot (remember when we were in
our 20's??)
Your best bet....Let this go.....and see where it takes YOU as opposed
to allowing yourself to throw anymore money away. Allow yourself time
to grieve, but then move on....if you stay in it...you will be
"spinning your wheels" making yourself more frustrated. I know it's
easier said than done...but with meditation and prayer.....you can move
on. Bianca may or may not come back, but at least you will be a
stronger person for it...either way around.
Love
Robin
9/3/04
Yes, Bianca is definitely savvy, although she has probably yet to
understand the meaning of that English word. If she were born in this
country, or qualified for a permanent green card, I'd say my chances of
getting her back in my life would be only about 35%. But because her
very existence here is illegal (an issue we discussed several times and
is of great concern to her), it not only forces her to be very street
smart, it is also - I think - maturing her much more quickly than the
average spoiled, overly domesticated, American 20-something. Although
it took me a while to figure out the exact sequence of how it will have
to happen in her case, she is quite aware that her only realistic hope
of ever becoming legal in this country is through marriage to an
American citizen. Given her predicament, the odds for me may increase
to about 45-50%. But admittedly, her severe overreaction to my behavior
on the night of July 3rd may also have been rooted in her immigration
status. She probably figured, "If he is going to become like this, I
better bow out and protect myself now because if I ever need legal
recourse, they could discover my status and I'd be deported."
In balance, you have to consider the "hiding" aspect, as well - and
this is something that simplistic, feminista Nazi on-line "psychic" had
no room for in her spin on the situation. (Apparently, she thinks that
any woman who runs from a man finds instant, conflict-free happiness
and contentment.) How much of her life does Bianca want to tailor
around making sure I never find her versus tailoring her life around
what SHE wants and what makes HER happy? A case in point is stripping.
A week after the disaster of July 3rd, a bartender at the club told me
he simply could not conceive of Bianca not stripping for very long.
[In one of my discussions with her about clubs, I mentioned that the
Winchendon club burned down several years ago, and that there are huge
areas of central and western New England where there are no strip clubs
in a 50-mile radius. She came right out and said, "That's what I want
to do: start a club." I can easily picture myself in that kind of a
business life with her.]
Bianca is a very sensual woman from a sensual part of the world, and
she has even had the opportunity for a few sexual experiences that may
be classified as "alternative." (Yet, she is definitely no slut, which
makes her all the more intriguing. Yeah... talk about "street savvy"!)
And she is still an unattached woman. Isn't the desire to strip going
to come back to her, even just the financial incentive? Unless she is
in a stage of serious ambivalence over what she did on July 3rd, she
may emerge at a club where I am less likely to find her, perhaps at
Alex's in Stoughton, where she had a brief start before moving on to
The Other Side.
[God, I hope that happens! Even just for the sake of the plot of our
"independent film." Let's say sometime later this month, after finding
out she's there and on what nights, I'd wait until she was on stage
before I made my presence known. I'd put a $5 bill on the table. She
sees it and sees me and we glance at each other for a few moments. I
ask, "Can I have a private dance?" She nods her head "yes." (Would she
in real life? Yes.) At the dance, I sit and absorb it all in silence
and awe. When it ends and she's finished dressing, I stand up and say
to her softly and passionately, "Thank you, beautiful angel. This is
for you." I hand her $60 - three times the normal tip - plus from my
hand bag, a rolled up copy of my complete immigration proposal, which
maps out a plan that takes her from "undocumented" to dual U.S./Brazil
citizen - her ultimate goal. (The immigration proposal also doubles as
my marriage proposal to her, needless to say.) I touch her right
shoulder, kiss the top of her head, then turn and exit the club, giving
her another month to contemplate the proposal and what she just
experienced... God, what a killer scene!!!]
As for coping and "moving on," I'm going to try to confine my "Bianca
activities" at this point to these areas: 1) my private spiritual
practice, 2) completing the immigration proposal, should I ever have
the (sudden?) opportunity to give it to her, and 3) investigating
whether she has emerged at another club. The tag number of that car in
Brighton may also be of value, but basically she'll be confined to
those three areas of my life for now. No more counseling (from anybody)
or money. I'll play it totally by my own inner voice.
I am still going to the club, usually twice a week with varying degrees
of satisfaction. (I was there last night.) The presence of beautiful,
erotic women loosens me up, and when you talk to the girls, each has
her own fascinating story. They like me there and I'm one of the "nice
guy" regulars, which is much more the norm at this very "un-Fitchburg"
Fitchburg strip club than at some other places. But unless Bianca, or
my experience of her, comes up in conversation, something is always
"missing." It's just not the same.
I don't know if you read down far enough into my last thread, but I
commented about a mail order bride tour. You might skim down for my
comments. If nothing budges with this situation by early December, I
may think about doing that in the winter. (I will assume that unless
she has had exceptional luck, Bianca will remain stuck in this country
and won't see her brother graduate. And once she gets use to that, my
chances would have really dimmed.) But it will be difficult to accept,
if it comes to that. The time of year won't help either. I don't like
the "holidays" and I hate the late fall and winter, especially in New
England, and especially without something special to look forward to.
All the love I've ever known has come to me during the spring and early
summer, and this was no exception. No wonder spring into summer is my
favorite time of year.
Also... did you miss the part below when I said I can come over to
visit on Labor Day between around 2 and 4:30? Let me know if you and
Joel will be home.
Love,
Jeff
Return to main page
Return to home page