Welcome to what will become the greatest adventure of your life, should
you choose to accept it.
Through this proposal, I will lift your biggest worries, longings, and
fears concerning your life here in
America and bring you freedom and security in what you have tried to
build over the past five years.
This proposal, if accepted and successfully executed, accomplishes
three major objectives:
1) It enables you to return to Brazil
in December 2004 to attend your youngest brother’s high
school graduation, stay through the
holidays if you wish, and see the rest of your family that you
haven’t seen in five years. (Update:
Possibly! It was very likely back in July, but far less likely
now. Read on for an explanation.
Nevertheless, a trip back to Brazil, regardless of time frame, IS
necessary for this plan to work.)
2) It enables you to return to the
United States LEGALLY under a visa that I will sponsor and
provide for you.
3) In a little more than five years,
it will enable you to be sworn in as a new citizen of the United
States of America, with full
constitutional privileges, while maintaining the Brazilian citizenship
you have had from birth. (An exam is
involved. I hope to be there to help you prepare for it.)
Let me begin by saying that after all that has happened between us
within the few short weeks from May
15th to July 3rd 2004, including your shocking decision on that final
night, this proposal is the greatest
act of faith, love, and hope that I have ever initiated. As of this
writing, I am awaiting developments
concerning the last concrete lead I have to find you. Other than that,
I don’t know if I ever will. The
thought of going to my grave without ever seeing you again cuts me to
the core of my heart.
Yes, I’ll be the first to admit I was in a somber mood on the night of
July 3rd, and I said a couple of
things that, although affectionate and sincere, may have been a bit
intense and “over the top.” But the
extreme measures you felt you had to take to separate yourself from me
and the club - and thoroughly
disrupt both of our lives - were totally unnecessary. I was not angry
at you, not in the least. There is
something about you, some kind of deep soul compatibility with myself
that makes it impossible for me
to ever be angry at you. I was angry at my own luck, my “karma” if you
will, of the same thing
happening over and over through much of my adult life: never having the
chance to build a real
relationship with a woman I truly cared for. When you made the comment
the previous Tuesday that “I
would find her,” (implying “she” was someone else and not you), I saw
“the handwriting on the wall”
that my life was still plagued by this terrible curse.
You see, it only took a couple of encounters for me to realize that I
loved you and that my experience of
you would be more profound and life-altering than any other love I had
known. A few moments after
our first private dance on May 15th, I said to myself, “To meet her is
to love her.” At the time, the
observation was somewhat casual. Nevertheless, I knew you were special.
I knew I had just met an
extraordinary woman who was not only beautiful, sensual, and tasteful,
but warm and spirited as well.
I still can’t pin down exactly what I did wrong toward the beginning.
Perhaps I was too cautious and not
aggressive enough. I know you said your relationship with your
ex-boyfriend happened rather quickly,
whereas I have been burned so many times before. In my visit to the
club on June 5th, your interest and
attraction to me was obvious, and I saw you were a little disappointed
when I didn’t stay until the end of
that evening. In retrospect, I wish I had. Perhaps the warm reception
you gave me was such a pleasant
surprise (after a three week gap since the night we met, no less), I
needed time to savor it. After our third
encounter, I was determined to ask you out, begging you on bended knee
if I had to, but somehow I
never found a way to fit it into the conversation. I think also, I was
so happy and content in your
company that all I could think about was enjoying the present moment.
-3-
As I write this, it is mid September. Since early June, you have been
on my mind and in my heart nearly
every waking moment. Sometimes it is with laughter and ecstasy, other
times it is with tears and anguish.
In a phone call to the club on July 8th, Don told me that
unfortunately, you had quit, at least temporarily.
When I hung up the phone, I turned to an image that reminds me of you
and said, “I’m so sorry. I never
meant to hurt you or frighten you. Please forgive me.” That night I
experienced something that was close
to a nervous breakdown. My voice was noticeably weak and hoarse even
three weeks later. The next day
I made the first of several trips to Brighton in a vain attempt to find
you at work. My hope was to meet
you during a break and urge you to rethink your decision.
In more than half of the days in these two and a half months, I have
had crying spells, usually several per
day, often while driving with introspective music playing, or at work
where I would have to hide myself
(or at least my face) until I could find privacy and release the grief.
I have spent hundreds of dollars on
psychics, spiritual practices, and “counseling,” much of which has been
ineffective or has provided only
temporary relief. Although I hesitate to admit it, I had also planned
the details and time frame of my
suicide, planning two scenarios and sticking with the second plan for a
number of weeks. I couldn’t
come to grips with the reality that again and again, my life and my
love was so completely disposable to
those I have cared for the most. I felt that considering the depth of
my experience of you, coupled with
the point I am at in life, I did not want to live any longer or get any
older with no hope of finding you
and resuming such an experience. But to further add to the humiliation,
unless I happened to pick a spot
in Framingham that was close to your home, you would have never found
out about it. No one from the
club would even have been able to reach you with the news.
Fortunately, I have concerned friends who have looked after me at
various times over these most difficult
months. Nadia is also aware of the details of the situation. Back in
July and August I wrote an essay
entitled “My Experience of Bianca” and I shared it with several
friends, including her. Her reaction was,
“It’s obvious you love her quite deeply.” Another friend said I should
sell the story to an independent
film producer.
[By the way, please call Nadia and talk to her. She has been trying to
reach you through the cell number
since mid August, but either she cannot get through or you are ignoring
her messages. Although my love
is certainly the deepest, there are others at the club who love you,
too - including her - and they would
like to know how you are doing, even if you still have no intention of
coming back. You are fortunate to
have worked at a club with people like this, and Nadia certainly
deserves your friendship and courtesy.]
I have also considered trying to “move on,” and perhaps this winter go
on my own “mail order bride”
tour of South America. But it’s obvious what my intention would be. I
would only be trying to find
another Bianca. I’d be comparing each of them with all that I saw in
you, trying to find the closest, if
such a woman could ever be found. But the circumstances of meeting one
of them would just not be the
same.
If I were able to experience meeting you all over again, I would not
change a thing. You would be an
exotic dancer and I would be your customer. The initial surge of lust
and frivolity, combined with the
way you dressed and expressed yourself through that art form, broke
down the barriers between us
almost immediately. It made us more open and affectionate to each other
than any other circumstance
could.
The setting was so ideal that even July 3rd - if ONLY you weren’t so
hasty with your decision of that
night - would have turned out much more positive than negative. (And
please hold on to that beautiful,
cranberry colored fringed panty FOREVER!) Our conversations that
evening uncovered valuable
information that finally made this proposal possible. I remember the
hurt look you had when you told me
-4-
about your brother’s upcoming graduation and how you missed the family
you haven’t seen in five
years. On July 4th and 5th, my mind was buzzing with ideas about this,
until finally I made a realization
that allowed everything in this plan to fall into place. Keep reading
and I will reveal what it is. God, if
you could have only held on for one more shift! I would have asked you
just a couple more questions the
next Tuesday, and within two more weeks, I would have had this
plan all ready for your consideration.
(Also, to “celebrate” what would have been your first shift under the
new smoking ban, I had a gag
planned that I guarantee would have made you burst out laughing. I had
gathered all the materials needed
and they were with me that night.)
I still don’t fully understand why what I did on July 3rd warranted
such an extreme reaction. It’s as if
something snapped and you became a completely different person from
what you were a few hours
earlier. Regardless of what your feelings are toward me at this moment,
I assure you I am still the same
Jeff who entertained you and made you laugh, the same Jeff who
flattered you with stars in his eyes
when you were on stage, and the same Jeff who taught you new English
words and expressions. I am the
same Jeff whose hand you reached for and held when we talked, the same
Jeff who you hugged so
compulsively after each private dance, sometimes more than once. I have
never had more exuberant,
more meaningful, more exhilarating fun with anyone in my life than I
had with you at that club.
But there is an aspect of your decision that I DO understand, and it
only underscores the importance of
this proposal and my urgent plea for you to accept it. Because your
very existence in this country is
illegal, and you don’t have the constitutional protections and recourse
of a citizen or documented
resident, I think you react to certain situations like an animal in the
wild. Decisions are made that are
hyper-defensive and excessively “streetwise.” When you feel a need to
be hyper-defensive, you can’t
afford to cut anybody any slack or give them the benefit of the doubt
(especially an American).
Also, please beware of the “grass is always greener (on the other side
of the fence)” mind set. Following
your destiny is one thing. Disappearing without a trace the first time
something may be even temporarily
askew is something quite different. Just a week before you quit the
club, you had assured me, “Don’t
worry. I’m not going anywhere. I’m staying right here.”
I pray that you will learn to trust me and not fear my love for you and
my desire to help you. You must
come to understand that you were not being “streetwise” when you
quietly dismissed me from your life.
What you actually did, in the words of one of my friends, was “throw
away a blessing.”
Step
One: Go to where you can get a proper US Visa
Shortly after you informed me of your undocumented status, I started to
visit the US Citizenship and
Immigration website in an attempt to find solutions. But it became
apparent that once a visa expires (or
the very method of your arrival here was illegal), there is no
“solution” other than prosecution and
deportation. You no longer “compute” as far as the government is
concerned. No matter what the
circumstance, if your stay in the United States is illegal or becomes
illegal, there is no way you can make
it legal by obtaining a green card or other visa. You don’t qualify.
Even a K1 fiance visa can only be sent
to an intended who is outside US borders, not currently “hiding” inside
the US illegally.
This dilemma was always the broken link in any kind of scheme I tried
to assemble to restore your legal
status. It wasn’t until you expressed the desire to return to
Brazil for a visit that I finally started thinking
in a new direction. For years, you have assumed that if you ever left
the United States, you could never
come back, and you could kiss the life you tried to build in this
country good-bye. I am here to tell you
that just the opposite is true.
-5-
You have to read between the lines on the US Citizenship and
Immigration website to figure this out.
They are not going to come out and tell you. But if you find yourself
in this country illegally, the best
thing you can possibly do is EXACTLY what the federal government wants
you to do: leave the United
States and go back to where you came! I repeat, if you find yourself
here illegally, the best thing you
can do is exactly what the government wants you to do: leave the United
States and go back to where
you came! Do I say this to be unkind? No. Have I started listening to
xenophobic, right-wing “militia”
talk shows on shortwave radio? No. I say this because it is
absolutely true. If you wish to restore your
legal status, you should leave the United States, go back to where you
came, THEN seek to re-enter this
country legally on a NEW VISA. That is the only way it can happen.
When you revealed to me on the night of July 3rd your yearning to
return home to visit your family, I
soon discovered you had given me the missing link I needed. Are you now
beginning to understand why
your decision of that night was the most uninformed, poorly timed
decision you could possibly make?
Are you beginning to understand why I practically had a nervous
breakdown on the night of July 8th
after my phone call to Don at the club?
I never had the chance to ask you about the visa you obtained to
originally enter the United States. I was
planning to ask you on Tuesday, July 6th. But according to information
from a reliable source, you are
lucky to have legally entered this country in the first place.
According to this source (probably the largest
international dating website in the world), the US government does not
issue travel visas or visitor visas
to 99% of single women who live in third world countries. These
countries include almost all of Africa,
Asia, Eastern Europe, and South America.
As for legally re-entering the US through the efforts of an employer,
unless you have a highly specialized
skill that you haven’t told me about, it is very unlikely. Even with
your natural ability to speak fluent
Portuguese, an employer would have to jump through all sorts of hoops
to prove that they made every
effort to hire an American citizen with the same ability before
importing a young Brazilian woman from
Rio de Janeiro (where I assume you are still a legal resident).
Like it or not, the only area the US government seems to have some
empathy concerning women from
your part of the world is the realm of love and marriage. Certain
pockets of immigrant women who are
here in the States illegally are keenly aware of this. A friend of
mine, who knows about my experience
with you, made me aware of a “marriage racket” among Colombian women in
the city of Chelsea. These
women actively recruit single American men to marry them by paying
$5,000 for the service. Typically
what happens after the payment is made and the paperwork is finally all
processed, the American man
never hears from the woman again, or she stays around long enough to
gradually “panhandle” him out of
more than the $5,000 he was originally paid. (Gosh, how romantic.) I
understand the pressure these
women are under and what they are fleeing, but this sort of activity we
don’t need in America. I think if
you blaspheme what should be the real intent of marriage, it comes back
to haunt you. “Paper” marriage
schemes absent of any sincere love should be avoided. You are actually
better off being deported than
entering into one of them. At least you’ve maintained your integrity
and kept yourself available for an
American man who truly loves you.
Killing
two birds with one stone: Get your K1 Visa while visiting your family
Had you not made the decision you did on July 3rd, the chances were
good that if you accepted my plan,
you would be returning to Brazil in time to see your brother graduate.
Now, however, it is very unlikely.
A K1 fiance visa is still your best hope to a legal existence in the
US, but it is still no “cake walk.” It is
good for only 90 days, by which time you must marry the American
citizen who provided it to you. It is
not renewable. Furthermore, according to a reliable source (again, a
top international dating website) the
-6-
processing time for this visa is usually as long or longer than the
actual 90 days for which it is valid. If
something is wrong with the application, anything is left blank, or
something needs correcting, it will
take an additional 90 days to process.
K1 visas are sent only to the closest US Consulate Office to where the
intended legally resides.
Obviously, I would have to know your full legal name, address, and
other contact information for your
mother’s residence, which we would use as your legal Brazilian address.
I would go to the US
Citizenship and Immigration Office in Boston at Government Center and
file all the paperwork there.
When the K1 visa is approved, it will be sent to the US Consulate
Office in Rio de Janeiro. As the 90 day
mark from the time I filed the K1 application approaches, your mother
would occasionally check with
that office to see if it has arrived. When it finally does, you would
then pack your bags and head back
home to see the family you haven’t been able to see in five years. (I
am assuming you have identity that
proves Brazilian citizenship and you will have no difficulty getting
back into your native country.)
A
Conditional Permanent Resident
When you have picked up the visa from the US Consulate Office and made
your return to the United
States, I would meet you at the airport where we would stage a “mail
order bride” style reunion. It is
interesting to note that to any customs official, you would be very
convincing in that role. Most mail
order brides are attractive, intelligent, roughly your age, have the
same level of English proficiency you
have, and speak with a slight accent because English is not their
primary language. South America also
happens to be the second most popular region of the world for the mail
order bride “business.” At the
moment you clear customs, we will all breath a huge sigh of relief. You
will be back as a legal visitor for
90 days, and no one can have you deported simply for existing here.
Once you are back, you should apply for a work permit with Form I-765.
Typically, it may take longer to
process than the 90 days your visa makes you legal here. Nevertheless,
I think you should do this right
after you get back. My fear is that you may have perjured yourself when
you were hired on your current
job. You did if you stated on the W2 form that you were a citizen when
you really weren’t. Not only can
you get in big trouble if you were ever caught, but so can your
employer. You certainly do not want that
to happen. I doubt if the work permit gets you off the hook for
anything illegal you did in the past. But it
has to be better than nothing. Perhaps when you return, you can ask
your employer if you can fill out a
new W2 form with updated information.
I would also recommend not changing employers, if at all possible,
until you go through with this plan
and return with your new visa. Perjuring yourself repeatedly only
increases the likelihood of being
discovered. I was planning to warn you about this on Tuesday, July 6th.
Obviously, I wasn’t given the
chance.
Permanent Resident
Status without Conditions
The reason you will need the work permit is because even if you marry
me, the “Permanent Resident”
status you will have once you reenter the US on your new visa is
conditional. If you entered the United
States with the intention of marrying someone, they want proof that you
didn’t get married simply to
evade US immigration laws. You have to apply to have the conditional
status removed during the 90
days prior to the second anniversary of your entry into the United
States on your K1 fiance visa. Under
most conditions, you have to do it together with the American spouse
that sponsored you. (See, this is
where the scheme of those Columbian women in Chelsea backfires. Their
efforts buy two years time,
then they are illegal all over again.)
-7-
So, sometime around two years after you marry the American man who
sponsored you, Permanent
Resident status, without any conditions, can be achieved. As a lawful
permanent resident, you will
receive a permanent resident card that will prove that you have a right
to live and work in the United
States permanently. And all of your fears and headaches of trying to
get by in this country as an illegal
alien will fade into the past forever.
Applying
for Citizenship
Once you have been a lawful Permanent Resident of the United States for
five years, you can begin the
process of obtaining citizenship. The requirements involve residency
and physical presence, “good
moral character,” attachment to the principles of the US Constitution,
ability to read, write, and
understand ordinary English, knowledge of US government and history,
and an oath of allegiance. It
would be my honor to help you with the US Constitution and the US
government and history
preparation. The USCIS website has a list of 100 sample questions and
answers. Those of us who have
been here all our lives laugh at the first 10 or 20 of them, but they
do get more challenging as you go
along. As for the “good moral character” part, once again, heed my
advice about the W2 forms. That is
the area where you can get into the most trouble. If you are caught
committing perjury on those forms as
an undocumented alien, it could jeopardize your chance of ever becoming
a citizen. Stick with your
current employer or work cash jobs only (such as stripping) until you
establish a legal status here.
Dual
Citizenship
"Dual citizenship" is actually a condition, not a legal status for
which you apply. US law does not
mention dual nationality or require a person to choose one citizenship
or another. There is a line in the
Oath of Allegiance to “renounce any foreign allegiance,” but perhaps
this is loosely interpreted to mean
an actual enemy of the United States. As long as Brazil does not have a
law forcing you to give up
Brazilian citizenship when you become a citizen of the United States,
you automatically have citizenship
in both countries.
[I don't think Brazil has such a law. A few weeks ago I had a phone
conversation with a music promoter
who is sending me a CD by a Brazilian performer who lives in Texas. The
promoter mentioned that this
artist has dual citizenship in both Brazil and the US. If this musician
has achieved it, I'm sure you can,
too.]
According to a website called "foreignborn.com," the US Government
recognizes that dual nationality
exists but does not encourage it as a matter of policy because of the
problems it may cause. "Dual
nationals owe allegiance to both the United States and the foreign
country, and they are required to obey
the laws of both countries. Claims of other countries on dual national
US citizens may conflict with US
law. Either country has the right to enforce its laws,
particularly if the person is in that country (even
just for traveling). The country where a dual national is located
generally has a stronger claim to that
person's allegiance. It is important to note that dual nationality may
limit US Government efforts to
assist citizens abroad." Nevertheless, my gut instinct is the same as
yours: If you succeed in becoming a
naturalized US citizen, hold on to your Brazilian citizenship.
Am I
a candidate for the “loony bin”?
Now, of course, comes the obvious question. By offering you this, am I
also, in effect, proposing to
marry you? The answer is "yes." A thousand times "yes." Am I proposing
a "paper" marriage or a real
one? No “paper” one, only the most real kind possible. But the "real"
parts will only happen when you
feel you are ready and I will never rush you or force you into
anything. Yes, I know. I am proposing to a
-8-
woman I never saw outside of a particular strip club, who walked away
from my life almost three
months ago, left me no reliable way to find or contact her, and drove
me to the brink of grief,
depression, and suicide. Correct? Yes. Have I gone crazy? Perhaps. Love
is blind, and thank heavens it
is, because left to pure logic, it has no basis to exist. But without
it, there would be no chance of
forgiveness and reconciliation between friends or enemies. We could
never penetrate beyond the surface
and truly connect to anyone. There would be no hope for a better
tomorrow and life on this planet would
be far more intolerable than it already is.
However, my proposal is not a total defiance of logic, either. Not in
the least. The potential I have to
inspire a lifetime of growth, learning, and fulfillment for you is
simply astounding when I think about it.
I am hardly a mainstream American male! You will get far more than you
ever bargained for when you
get me. I’ve been around all kinds of social and cultural settings and
groups and I’ve been here for a lot
of years now. And there is no one I want to share my knowledge and
experiences with over time more
than you. You have a natural curiosity and a zest for learning that
warms my heart a great deal. I have
already experienced what you can offer me and know the possibilities
you hold. There’s the potential for
international travel under the happiest and most meaningful of
circumstances. There is the opportunity
to learn another language and another culture. (I am thoroughly bored
with my own, along with the
materialism and commercialism that keeps dumbing it down. I’ve been
complaining about it since my
teens.) And there are all the aspects that make you who you are: all
you have told me about yourself and
your experiences, your background and family, the ways you manage your
life and where it takes you,
your tastefulness and grace as well as your very nature are all my
constant teachers, even in your
absence. In many ways, you have the background, personality, and
experiences I wish I had.
Nevertheless, I can offer so much to improve the quality of your life
that you are unlikely to get from
any eligible man you’ll meet in a long, long time. Here are just some
of the areas where I would so
freely offer my knowledge, love, humor, and moral support.
Master
of the Language
My background as a professional communicator in radio means that my
vocabulary level and ability to
read and write English well exceeds that of the typical American on the
street. The fact that you are so
interested in learning new English words and expressions is one of the
many reasons I’m endeared to
you. If you accept this proposal, and my ultimate dream becomes
reality, I can picture the living room in
our home with a large podium where my thick, hard cover English
dictionary would always lie open.
Below that we would have an English to Portuguese dictionary that would
always be open as well.
Every time in conversation I use a complex English word, I’ll say,
"We'll look that one up." If we have a
moment, we will, and you can learn it. Then you can tell me the
Portuguese word that has the closest
meaning, and I can look that up and learn it. Such a game could go on
for a lifetime. And you know me.
I'd make it as entertaining as possible. Isn’t a game like this more
edifying than an idiotic video game or
the mindless, violent garbage that’s piped into the average American
home via the electronic media?
Had you held on to your work at the club, I was planning to introduce a
new game at the end of our
private dances entitled “The Two Million Words” feature. (The English
language has far more words
than any other living language, probably because the English were such
plundering bastards who stole
so much from everybody else!) For each dance, I would write a new word
for you on a sheet of paper,
define it, then use it in a sentence that relates to our common
experience. The first word I was planning
is a real obscure one: “phantasmagoria.” A phantasmagoria is a series
of rapidly changing visual images.
I will use it in a sentence: “Nadia’s birthday party was a
phantasmagoria of sensual excess and
debauchery.” Okay, I’ll do “debauchery” some other time. But I can’t
resist one more. How about
“metaphor?” A metaphor is a figure of speech where a word or phrase
ordinarily applied to one thing is
-9-
applied symbolically to something else. I will use it in a sentence.
“When Jeff commented that the lady
customer was ‘wired,’ he was using a metaphor.” (See, isn’t this fun?)
Cultural
Influences and Hobbies
When it comes to art, culture, and music, you are dealing with a guy
who has so much more knowledge,
so much more professional experience, and so much better taste than the
average American male it’s
downright laughable. Over the course of my radio career, I worked for a
total of ten stations and the
most common position I held was music director. Much of my work
revolved around folk music (mostly
North American, understandably), alternative country, new age, and
world music instead of the typical
mainstream junk. My radio career is over but I’ve maintained a website
since I left the business -
folkimage.com - for which I still receive promotional CD’s. (On the
subject of taste in general, let me
just say that an exotic dancer who dresses in fringed panties, white
bodices, Plexiglas heels, and enters
the strip club stage like it’s a model’s runway has tastes that are
right up my alley. And yes, strip club
music is cool, too, but in a different way... especially the “Pussy”
song :)
I also have some low key hobbies. I’m pretty good at fixing things,
especially electronics and
computers, but I prefer not to get involved in those activities these
days because it takes a lot of time and
mental energy away from life’s priorities. (I’d rather use things in a
way that they never end up needing
repair.) I can take a dead tube radio from the 1930’s or 40’s and
usually have it working like new in a
couple of weeks. Several of my repairs and restorations are on display
around my house.
Natural
Health and Nutrition
I have had a strong interest in natural health, cleansing, longevity,
and anti-aging for the past 12 years.
Yes, I am a Whole Foods Market kind of guy and my 90% vegan diet has
served me very well. Slowly
over time, there is no one I want to see reap the benefits of my
knowledge and lifestyle more than you.
Many years from now, I want to see you spared from the slavish
financial nightmare of conventional
doctors, hospitals, and prescription drugs. I want to see your youthful
beauty remain intact well into
your 50’s, to the point you could still be a viable performer for the
strip club stage at that age.
One thing you already have going for you on the psychological side is a
beautiful temperament. I was
told recently that my aura is very bright and colorful in spite of my
life’s troubles. If mine is then yours
must be even more so. People with strong auras don’t age easily.
Everybody is shocked when they find
out how old I really am. Perhaps when you did the motor vehicle print
out and discovered it, you
automatically dismissed me as out of your league. If so, I hope you
will reconsider. It’s better to have
the experience of a 50 year old and the body of a 30 year old than to
have both the body and experience
of a 30 year old. And having love in your heart for someone slows down
the aging process considerably.
I know without question that after 20 years of being with me, you will
be healthier, happier, and look
much younger than you would with 95 percent of American men, even if
it’s just through osmosis.
(Opps, there's another one of those words. We'll look that one up.) I
know I will have that effect on you
because I have that effect on everything that surrounds me.
[Obviously, I couldn't have prevented the breaking of your finger and
the difficulties with its healing -
unfortunately. We only had a chance to discuss it once, but I have
thought about it several times with
concern. If I were your boyfriend, fiance, or husband when it happened,
I would be by your side for
every second of the ordeal to give you comfort and take you wherever
you needed to go. I hope its
condition has improved over these months and that you have recovered
from the financial impact. If the
-10-
finger is still not quite right, a good chiropractor may help at this
stage.]
Help
with a dangerous habit, not reinforcement of it
It all started because you wanted to belong and be accepted. But it has
long outlived its “usefulness,” and
now it’s nothing more than a risky, expensive nuisance that leads to
premature aging and death. We both
know what it is. It’s the habit that, from my perspective, is very much
out of context with the rest of you.
I would never nag you about it. And I have certainly had my fun with
the “five times as addicting as
heroine” punch line. But it concerns me because I care about you. And I
know you’d rather be rid of it.
Over time, I would do everything in my power, and use every
(natural) resource at my disposal to help
you finally overcome it. We non smokers have enough problems keeping
all the toxins and heavy metals
from ravaging our bodies in this industrialized world, let alone what
smokers have deal with.
Furthermore, (and this is what breaks my heart) smoking emasculates
women (in other words, makes
them more masculine). I don’t wish to sound like a kook, but smoking
does nurture a "masculine spirit.”
Look at any older woman, say, between the ages of 50 and 70 who has
smoked since her teens. Her voice
is usually husky and masculine and her skin is most likely quite
wrinkled due to all the restrictions in her
circulatory system. Many of them also start wearing their hair real
short like men's. But even among
young women in their 20’s who smoke, there are hints of what is
to come if the habit isn’t stopped. I
have caught brief glimpses of a "masculine spirit" in 20-something
women, but only while they are
smoking. And yes, once I caught a brief glimpse of it in you. As a non
smoking man, it saddens me to
see it in a woman I deeply care for.
Yes, you started smoking to find love and acceptance. But I am here to
tell you that reason is now
obsolete. Through me you will have all the love and acceptance you
could ever desire.
[Your youthful struggles were completely normal and understandable, by
the way. You sensed that
without an unencumbered connection to those around you, you could never
experience the ultimate
human pleasures, which indeed can only come from unrestrained
connection. My youthful struggles took
a different course. I grew up during years of great social violence,
prolonged war, the constant threat of
nuclear war, and wild extremism everywhere in society. There was a lot
of ignorance and little sanity to
be found, no matter where you turned. Furthermore, if you didn't do
drugs, you were an outcast. It was
that simple. And outcasts don’t get the chance to develop their social
skills and confidence. They are too
busy protecting themselves from the world around them.
I refused to do drugs, so I was an outcast. (To make matters worse, sex
was always linked with drugs and
alcohol. You couldn’t have one without the others.) I made a decision
to remain true to myself, but I paid
a price for it, especially since I am innately social. Had I the chance
to do it again, I would have chosen
to come of age in more “normal” times like now. But I think I’m getting
my revenge. Many of the people
my age who fell for all that nonsense are now aging "fuddy duddies"
still functioning in the 1970's, their
creative spark long extinguished. As for me, I look and feel more at
home around people in their 20’s.
I’ve kept learning and live in the present.]
Potential
business partner
During one of our conversations, I was talking about the strip club in
Winchendon that had burned down,
and the wide geographical gaps that exist between clubs in many parts
of central and northern New
England. You came right out and responded, “That’s what I want to do:
start a club!”
I don’t know how the events of July 3rd have changed your objectives
and thinking about this. If they
-11-
haven’t, this sort of mammoth undertaking is something you should never
attempt on your own. You
need to do it with someone who will support you and stand with you no
matter what happens or what the
circumstances may be.
The toughest part about starting or acquiring any business is getting
the money you need to do it. It’s
difficult enough for people in their 40’s to acquire a track record
that can convince an investor, let alone
someone just starting out. (An exception, of course was the high tech
boom of the 90’s when any 20-
something in that field could get venture capital.)
I have made several attempts to own my own business. In fact, if you
recall our very first conversation, I
said I hadn’t been to the club in 15 months due to financial
difficulties. A major reason for them was
because a year earlier, I had shelled out $9,000 (mostly with “help”
from my credit cards) to start a
vending business that turned into a disaster. For the longest time, I
had also tried to buy or start a radio
station because I wanted to do things MY way, not the way the broadcast
establishment says I have to do
them. Interestingly enough, I would have qualified for the money had I
not been a white male.
There are adult entertainment investors out there. But even if you
succeed in wooing one of them, your
battles have just begun. You are then thrown to the great wolf that
devours many a strip club effort, even
after it is established: local zoning boards. Zoning is the tool local
governments use to keep businesses
they don’t want out of their communities. There is still a lot of
prudery and ignorance surrounding local
governments. If you want to start an adult business, their process is
often designed to wear down your
will to do so.
My pledge to you - no matter what you wish to achieve in this area of
your life - would be to help you in
every way I can, and make sure you never abandon your true will,
whatever it may be. My background
in broadcasting and food / restaurant delivery both have some relevance
to the operation of adult night
clubs.
If this can happen, it would be our life together. In my book, the most
qualified owners of strip clubs are
couples that met at one and overcame the odds. The days of tough,
impersonal sleaze joints owned by
sour puss Italian guys with Mafia money need to be relegated to the
past. Society has changed and
people’s needs have changed. There are fewer outlets for people to
connect to each other now. It’s time
for strip clubs to enter the 21st Century and rethink their role in
society. Are they adequately meeting the
needs and expectations that their customers really have (and the
dancers, too, for that matter)?
Sure, “fresh meat” always turns us men on. Keep the nudity, the erotic
thrills, the movement and the
outfits and shear art of it all. It’s a lot of fun and it breaks the
ice fast. But without connection and the
promise of at least meaningful, long term friendships with the girls,
most guys who are serious give up
and go elsewhere.
Typical strip club rules and customs confront us men with challenges
that are often insurmountable.
After my experience with you, I long for the good old days when you had
the lady’s phone number and
knew where she lived. If your last get together wasn’t all it should
have been, you could call or stop by,
apologize if appropriate, sooth things over and put it behind you.
I don’t know how to strike the right balance between protecting the
girls and giving the guys real
opportunities to improve their social and personal lives. It’s a big
problem that I don’t have the answer
to. But at least we should be thinking about it.
[Perhaps the answer is old fashioned personal responsibility and good
judgment. Don’t put any rules on
-12-
the girls or anyone else. Just say, “our policy is you make your own
judgments about the information
you reveal to any customer. Choose the risks you wish to take, but if
you don’t like the outcome, it was
your call and you can’t sue the club.”]
While I’m on the subject of stripping, I’ll conclude by saying that if
you return to it, or have returned to
it elsewhere, I would never ask you to stop. You can enjoy doing it for
as long as you want. May there
be many more “June 27ths” we can share together.
My
Urgent Plea
Beautiful angel, if you could ever accept this offer and someday become
my life partner, I would be so
good to you. My life's highest priority and purpose would be to bring
you happiness and lead you to
paradise. I would be the best possible influence a man could be on you.
And I know there is nothing you
could ever do that would diminish my kindness, thoughtfulness, and love
toward you. My experience of
you has reminded me that love and sexuality are the most wonderful and
sacred things life has to offer.
Everything else is meaningless trivia by comparison. The other concerns
of our lives should be kept as
simple and uncluttered as possible so as to not interfere with these
sacred experiences.
[My own vision of paradise is simply sitting by your side, holding your
hand, and chatting ...with an
occasional lap dance and perhaps a porn photo shoot thrown in for
spice. :) And, yes, we’ll need to
commune with nature, too, so we’ll do an occasional poison ivy tour.]
Please come back into my life, in which ever way you feel most
comfortable. So many times over the
past three months, I have said to myself, "It is either Bianca or
death. There is no other choice." During
those few short weeks I was in your life, it seemed like I was being
shown a picture window to your
soul, and the experience has been too powerful and compelling to shake.
My life will never be the same.
I can never return to the way things were before I met you on May 15th.
The connection I feel is too
strong and too much sand has passed through the glass for me to ever
find another woman remotely like
you. Either I find you and prove that my love is the best thing that
can ever happen to you or there is
nothing much left. I will spend the rest of my days searching for you,
in one way or another.
I ask that you please open your heart to me again, the way you did so
freely back on June 5th. Let me fill
your life with love, learning, laughter, and pleasure like you never
thought a man would give to you.
And PLEASE, let me restore your freedom and make your life in my
homeland safe, secure, and legal
AT LAST. Don't discard me for good. You don't know the treasure you are
throwing away. Please, I beg
you, come back into my world and give me a second chance, for my heart
grieves day and night in your
absence.
With all the love within me,
Jeff
154 Great Road #8
Shirley, MA 01464
978-425-2524
jeff@folkimage.com
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